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Before the mayhem sets in and I lose the time to blog. 1st day of School for Politics, Journalism and Society module and I'm already committing mental seppuku. While no exams, its essay intensive and presentation intensive...thereby heralding the end of my social life. Im on a random rush of unexplainable bliss and contentment with life. Some nice chats from two friends who have not seen for some time, and its little things like this that make me happy.

AM THANKFUL FOR...

1) having a decent and healthy body, thanks to all the nutritious diets and inoculations my mother had me take since I was young.

2) I am living rather comfortably without living from hand to mouth, since my sister, mother and I are all working now. In a small but modest HDB flat, and nice helpful neighbors around. Not to mention one of the safest and more developed countries in the world.

3) I am blessed to be able to study for my double degree; while I am not as lucky as the few who have wealthy moms and dads to pay for their school fees...I feel proud and accomplished saving up for my 25K fees with my own hard work.

4) I have amazing diverse bunch of friends from all walks of life. I have been labelled as an SPG (Sarong Party Girl) or Caucasian-Lover juuuuuuuuuuuust because I dated 2 people outside my race, but pity for the narrow minded individual who passes judgements on stereotypes and cannot understand the beauty of another's culture and heritage. This neither bothers me nor fazes me, for the ignorant cannot help themselves.

5) I have very good parents who have raised me well. While they have gone their seperate ways in life, they continue to be the deciding factors in my current being.

Mom, is the most pragmatic, philanthropic and resilient person I know. Her determination to raise 2 daughters on a humble salary, while bearing the burden of caring for my stroke-ridden Grandfather amongst other grinds of daily life...leaves me to be both proud to be blood related to her as well as intimidated when I wonder if I could be as good a mother to my children in the future.

6) I am almost close to finishing my degree, (fingers crossed) hopefully with no turbulence nor shit-excuses of lousy lecturers. I relish the experience of being a student again, somewhat. Classes have been both a boon and a bane (especially when deadlines draw near), and has allowed me to know many amazing people who I now call buddies. Grind of daily life is much tolerable

7) God's gift to me: tenacity. Whenever I feel down and out, and when it seems like there is no way out of a hopeless situation...HE really comes through and provides.

________________________________________________________________________________

I guess to come to terms with the fact that nothing in life may truly be yours forever, helps to put alot of things in perspective. Accepting loneliness, and giving up the fight to get into a relationship to beat the bio clock or to temporarily fill the void in feelings... was something that took me years to understand.

Its coming to two months since the total break off from S, 9 months since K and 1 year since J. I feel it deep in me, that the reluctance to let go of the past rosy memories, is slowly waning. My memories beginning to become hazy around the edges and my heart feels lighter every time I allow myself to forget a small piece. Its not giving up, its letting go. I am a believer of serendipity, and that everything happens for a reason...like the butterfly effect.

However, I would like to say that I am fully over it but I'm afraid its still some way till we reach that point. Still, I am contented at the way things are, truly. The world is a vast offering of many beautiful, exciting and interesting things just waiting to be discovered. I can't wait to do everything, and I can't wait to be in love once more.

The men I loved, and who loved me for that period of time...thank you for setting me free because you knew you could not love me the way I needed you to; and that you want to give that deserving man the chance to cherish me the way that I should be.

A legendary reel love story.  

A little bit of Happyness.

A little bit of happyness.

I still don't know if I'm in love with you.

But you will never need to know. And I don't think you understand just how much you mean to me.

I'm beyond grateful for all the things you have done for me. The encouragements, the time and affection you showered me every time when I fall down, defeated. I never needed to try too hard and you constantly remind me that its the journey, not the results that truly matter.

The times you made me laugh and kisses you plant when I don't expect it. The touch of your unbelievably soft hands when you hold mine. And the quiet embrace you gave, when I broke down TWICE, assured me that everything was going to be alright in the end.

I'm a fighter now, not because you give me wrestling lessons that always end up in giggles. But you managed to strengthen my spirit with your personal stories and internal strength.

Your soft lips and incredible green eyes. Your stoic aloof demeanor is, but a facade that hides a very sweet warm nurturing person.

You are so incredibly beautiful, inside and out. I feel so beautiful when I'm in front of you, because you could care less of my flaws. That is something that I never really had before.

The last two broke my heart into smithereens, but you picked it up and gave me enough joy to make up for it. The pain faded so much that I barely remember now. Instead, I now have the sweetest and funny memories of us to get by.

I apologize for running away the last time, it wasn't because I wanted to leave you. But that I needed to end it so I will not feel the same kind of heartbreak as before. Before I fall in any deeper.

I promise that I will always be there for you, to stand by you in this lifetime no matter what happens. Please, remember that.

I'm really afraid to hope for more, but in the meantime, this is enough for me. Your friendship. I'm really blessed that you entered into my life. The Ned Flanders to your Homer Simpson.

I can't make you love me. But even so, thank you.

As we move on, perhaps inevitably apart from each other, I hope I'll never forget you. 


And I hope, you don't too.

Here I am back, without another trigger event to spark my barrage of melancholic rants, surprisingly.

So, I finally put my mental foot down and managed to take care of some annoying matters of the heart....and came out a champ and feeling better. Initially, precursor to my post below I had qualms of letting him go. But yesterday, after a rather unexpected (and rather oblivious, I might add) revelation, that I was able to really let the weight of the situation settle in. Sure, I was rather emo yet again for strike 3, but they did say that three times a charm :)

I look back in hindsight; and remember sheepishly the things I've been through the last few months. Broke away from a 5 year familiarity, dived into a sweet but reckless infatuation that wasn't meant to be, and without catching breath, plummet even further into a tentative state of calm that came with a lot of uncertainty.

When did I become so brave, I wonder? Here's a girl who try to hold on to the last straws of hope even when she knew that it wasn't going to work out. Who tried to change and mold to the way what THEY had in mind. But I was not the least bit happy, nor did I feel secure about the future.

Fast forward to the present, I'm contented in the way things are now. this morning when I woke up... I felt great. And now that I no longer have any guys holding me back, I'm set to bedazzle the world and even more excited on planning on the many many things I've been meaning to do but have not yet.

But I guess thats how we learn?

I don't want short term. Nor mediocre. Nor uncertainty.

I want a no frills love that will last <3

And I'm willing to wait for it, this time :)

UH-oh.

I utter the above sentiments for 2 reasons:

Firstly that I am still not doing my school blog assignment instead I find myself here procrastinating as always. Nothing new...

Secondly, its Valentine's Day tommorrow. I think its simply a day, commercialized on the excuse of romance and love, so that flower shops, confectionery stores, etc, can make a quick buck outta it. I cringe now as I think of how many couples will infest the streets; the girl looking triumphantly with her bouquet of blossoms though an eye will keep a look out for a potential one that may outshine her. The boy rescinds and becomes a docile and rather secondary character in this equation.

BUT still, as much as the above sounds suspiciously like the rant of a jealousy-ran-amok female, I assure you I am not. Instead, it makes me reminisce even more about what I had the last few years, the maybes if I had lasted with 'him'(up to one's interpretation), the future Valentines ahead...as well as the reality of me being alone for this current point in my life. This ambiguous feeling is peppered so very slightly with enviousness. Just very very slightly.

I am not disheartened... just not quite used to the feeling I guess? :)

Valentine's Day, day that commemorates love and romance, is also ironically the death anniversary of Saint Valentine, a priest who had secretly married couples when Emperor Claudius had outlawed marriages due to the need for more militia power. When Valentine was found out, he was swiftly put to death by beheading, hence not to forget his valiant deed, they dubbed 14th Feb as "Valentine's Day".



It also brings to mind the rebirth of a much loved bag that women around the world can agree to: The iconic Chanel 2.55, on Feburary 1955.

Gabrielle Coco Chanel knew she had created a timeless legend when she came up with the stylish option to free up women's hands so that they won't tire from having to hold it all the time. Technically, the first of it was sold in the 1920s, and has since undergone some sartorical facelifts.



And of course, who can forget the delish hero in Final Fantasy...none other than Vincent Valentine. Sporting his signature red cloak(<3) and his brooding eyes and haunted past, he is the kinda guy you want to smother with affection and tell him its gonna be alright.

Until of course, he whips out his trusty tri-barreled gun and shoves it in your face and tells you in a deceptively calm voice to not cramp his style.


Valentine's Day is not just about Eros (romantic love), but about love for friends and family. I feel blessed to be loved by so many friends and a mother who despite our severe spats and vehement disagreements...still shows the unwavering love and devotion to my well being. Its evident in her waking up early just to make breakfast so I don't go to work on an empty stomach, or her constant nagging about just everything, belies the perennial worry for her daughter's life.

Her slight wrinkles tell the story of a woman who stood strong against hardship to raise her two little girls, her slight hunched gait speaks of the burden of life that she carried in silence all these years and yet continued to forge forward. Yet, she still is as beautiful as I remember her.

Thank you Mom, I love you so very much even though I don't say it often. Thank you for being my pillar of strength and role model. I am nothing without you.

So happy Valentine's Day to all, and don't forget to tell your dear ones just how much they mean to you.

And not just today, but everyday of the year~

Adventures of a comic duo on thin ice.

Haven't skated for over 10 years, hence pardon the penguin-like waddling.

Was quite fun, I was surprised I actually remembered how to after a while. Can't wait to do it again!

xoxo

It is tiring to always volley back and forth what could be and what already is in front of you. So after a heavy session of brawling my eyes out, I finally came to the decision of just letting him go and keeping the happy memories instead. Am too exhausted from being under all the mirco-analysis all the time, being on edge when all I want to do is kiss you senseless, and smile again like we used to in the beginning.

Yet somehow along the yellow brick road, the journey became less joyous, and from it I ceased to be less amazing and beautiful in your hazel eyes.

All I did was just tried to love you as much as I could during what little time we have left.

But I guess to really love some one…. is to simply let him go.

I want to get it right the next time.

all herald to yet another emo post of june's fast decimating love life. Come on' give this old girl a break cos she has no one else to rant to except herself.

as of late, and to no surprise....it gets colder and colder when we meet. Why I continue to persist in my romantic- masochist endeavors, is simply because he's gonna leave in less than a week. There seems to be less affection left and just simply a physical attraction which leaves a bittersweet aftertaste in my mouth. Fact still resonates in my mind that this was built on the reality that it was not meant to last, but I wish I didn't feel like its so strenuous to be with me.

Fucking smart guy he is, but a severe lack in the EQ department... and it kinda stings whenever I think how sweet and earnest he was before. Maybe thats how guys work, maybe thats how he just simply is. I wonder what has changed.
ARGH. if i pull out ant more hair Im gonna be as bald as newly initiated NS boy.

I want to promise myself, this will be the last of rushing into emotions and relationships. I will take it slow and enjoy my impending happiness with the next guy who will be worthy of my love.

fighting on with a tentative smile on my face, june. :)

Im writing this at 1.4o am cos this has been weighing down in my heart for sometime because confronting him straight up is useless cos he'd probably tell me its not cool to keep seeing each other all the time and maybe cramping his style.
But hello, I thought that was kinda the point if you really liked someone and am romantically involved. Maybe because its me? Or maybe its just you?

Routine = Guy likes you > Guy chases you > sweet nothings + romantic gestures > you finally let him in> life + mental health is kaput > Guy becomes nothing like he was before.

IM TELLING YOU, this is tried and proven guy modus operandi.

Amazing how feelings change in a span of a few weeks, especially since its a mere 1 more week to go before departure. I am accepting to the ending but to give brusque replies when you try to make simple conversation is starting to test my patience. Im really hurt, to be honest. Knowing well this had near negligible chance of working out, I would have liked us to at least enjoy the last week together. He can argue all he wants but I know its not just being busy with tying up loose ends; if its really time to say goodbye then he should just tell it in my face.

Im gonna laugh whenever I think about the time YOU said we would still be great friends no matter what happens.

I give up la. Be what you want, fade away if you need to. I tried, I really did.

I need to start living life for myself.
And i promise to me, i'm going to forget the heartbreaks...only the happiest memories together.

Perfect breakup song I found random surfing on Youtube, Sara always gets it just right. Just check out the scarily accurate lyrics and the wicked dance choreography in her MV:

Goodbye
Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by,
Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue,
Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone,
A wrong one

And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me
Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,
Hang from your hands

Well, no more,
I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door
If I make it at the thought of you, what for?
It's not me anymore

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be,
I dare you darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you but just for me,
And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

I stand corrected,
I know too well
And now it's much too late for you for me as far as I can tell,
Oh I say, oh yeah, yeah, yeah

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

There is no hero in her sky, The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice

This song was sung to me by that someone sometime back, and was it a culmination of feelings or just the right time at right moment, that I actually felt tears roll down my cheeks. Such a bitter sweet tune coupled with his lovely voice and strumming of melodious guitar chords.

I dunno what came over me but I decided to just come clean and ask new paramour what is the status of things. He is a almagation of mixed signals, one moment giving me the impression that he wants us to be serious and seems to go in a jealousy mood when the ex calls; yet he can be so aloof and tempermental at times. I sensed a slow change in attitude towards me as compared to the first time we met... very much like his predecessors.

Taking a stab in the dark and riding on dutch courage, I just went straight up to ask him if he'd look towards us carrying on our current state into the future. When he replied with a "more like friends, but not as this", I kinda knew it was coming but it still stung. Whether he just assumed it was more friends with benefits rather than an actual budding romance I guess I'll never know. And I dun think I want to bother either.

Oh well, at least now I know for sure so I'll avoid laboring under false pretences.

To all the men I loved: " FUCK YOU GUYS AND YOUR ROMANTIC BULLSHIT TO TIMBAKTU".


I think I shall go shopping again tomorrow. this calls for extended retail therapy session.

and am back with the continuation of the unfolding drama that is my love life.

Stuck in limbo and wondering what my next step should be. After breakup, moving on seems to be the next logical step, but what happens when that happiness you found is short-lived? Mine will expire around 16 October when he leaves for Liverpool to pursue his studies. You may jeer how come I got over a 5.5 year relationship so fast but it is the culmination of many things left to fester and eat into a once passionate relationship.

My new paramour is someone that I never expected and sheepish to say also, that I had rejected him once before as well. first impressions can be wrong as they say,no? I feel fucked cos just when I think my life is gonna be awesome once more, it is but just another whisper. Inevitably, Im already emotionally attached to him and it kills me to think about his departure.

My post here ends with a question mark as I look doubtingly towards the days to come. Indeed, cherish what you have when you have it.

Its been like forever since I blogged and honestly its been half-assed cos I don't feel motivated to blog unless inspiration hits me. So here I am again with significant changes in my life. I have decided to part from Justin, after 5.5 years of being together, and not without much uncertainty and reluctance. Something inside me, i feel, has changed. He is a better man than before, but just when it appears that happy ever after is within reach, I experienced a catalyst, of sorts.

And perhaps, in that single moment, I realized that I really need a chance to experience life, liberated and renewed. One that I never allowed myself before and I now thirst for. I'm kinda scared but I would never know if I don't.

A little something I wrote in tribute. To the "whisper" that disappeared all too quick:

Tobacco kisses

Yes It’s a lie and I know it’s true,
I tried to pretend but had my eyes on you,
from the first glance and first hello,
it seemed like I knew you from my soul.

Started off as friends, cheeky sweet nothings,
then my heart betrayed, I felt stirrings,
Tried to deny the feelings but it wouldn’t go,
thoughts of you deeply rooted within me so.

Tobacco kisses, you’re sweet and bitter,
I wish I could stay with you forever,
I wish you’d just make up your mind,
But I know I’ll just be the girl standing behind.

On a holiday and a simple visit to you,
spiraled into more, and knew I was screwed,
just one flaming kiss and my heart’s on fire,
your sweltering touches has gone me deep under.

I’d like to think it’s more than friends,
Beautiful mind, face but ruthless intent,
You’re a player of hearts, I know it’s true,
yet somehow I’d still give my all to you.

Tobacco kisses, you’re such a tease
I thought I had it under control to say the least,
you’re sometimes hot, and sometimes cold
I’m tired of wondering which way to go.

So I’m closing this little chapter in my mind,
still dreaming but thanking you for the ride,
Its doomed to never work from the start,
So I guess it’s finally time we should part.

Tobacco kisses, tender lips full of promise
But before it starts, it already finished
and without even saying goodbye,
Just tobacco kisses to remember you by.

~~~

HELLO-ween 2010

Needless to say, its that time of the year where ghouls and creatures of the night (life) come out to play in full costume glory. This year I took inspiration is the sailor outfits that SNSD wore for their MV 'Genie', while Justin was a wandering samurai.

Glad to say I went budget again and loaned it from Sherry, who has a ton of costumes, as well as a auburn wig from a party store for $10. Justin got his yukata from Chinatown for a haggled $16, a fake katana from Rocher Centre for $20 and wig is from me.

What do you think?

Kids seem to love me ^^

Drew the slash marks on him myself, so proud of it cos it looks kinda real

I reckon he scared off some onboarding passengers...

Met Germaine at Raffles Place station, and spotted some interesting characters

Random pirate!

Fave pic of the night :)

Look at the huggggge crowds!

One of the deejays for 1003fm, as a Jedi Warrior

Another deejay from the event as well, dressed as Luigi

This two costume goers were doing some kinda pause-in-their-steps act, so we took turns to pose in btw.

Here is May...

Me...

and Germaine!

I actually wanted to go as this too, but I could not find one as accurate as this

Hellboy was always one of my favourite movies, so yay!


Hee ^^

Justin-san

Hands down the best costume of the night: Meet JESUS.

Its actually pretty well done! He told me all he did was wrap himself in his bedsheet.
Now, it would be a whole lot more convincing if there wasn't a vodka bottle next to him.

Something wicked this way comes....

Devil lady tried to bite his chest lol, and here is "Jesus" looking mortified

hmms...not exactly sure what to make out of this.

No surprises there, the Cannery is packed as ever


Youngest F1 racer ever :)



Girls in Uniform...HOT!

Creepy undead Hong Tou Jin (Red-Hat women)

Justin had his fair share of lady attention...

*POUTS* Im not jealous. really.

I didn't know K.I.S.S was in Singapore!
The green monster from Monster Inc had one too many drinks...

Wah steady, got impromptu photoshoot! This guy is da bomb!
"No one knows Japan better" LOL

Again, i have committed the cardinal sin of procrastination and that explains the grossly long time gap from my last entry. So anyways, let back track from where I last left off ( possibly in the last millenia but who's counting haha). Backlog is a rising killer for lazy bloggers, and I am in danger of drowning in such.

Time to say goodbye...

October 1st was the last day @ Infineon, the pristine and unique office building which overlooks the splay of the Kallang Expressways. It was a 2nd home to me for the last 3 years, and needless to say memories, tears, laughter and madness were forged and hard to let go.

I had a great boss, Siew Peng, who spared no efforts in grooming and nurturing me into the young professional (dare i call myself that :P), and my German director Lars, who had sadly relocated back to main office in Munich after much deliberation.

While it was tough to strive and prove yourself amongst the many talented individuals in office, I am glad I was put through the mill and came out a better person. For without, we cannot know where we stand and how far we can go.
Of course, farewell lunch affairs were a given; and a really nice perk of being in HR is that you get to interact and know so many people. I was once under an 'Operations' team, thereafter was transferred to a 'Central Functions' with a new set of challenges and management....so you can pretty much guess I knew just about everyone!

1st: Purchasing Dept girls. This cosy hidden gem of a restaurant called Dolphin located around Genting Lane. Mainly serves up really good western fare, but I didn't get to take shots cos I was rushed for time

Karen and me

Oops I cut off Cherlyn by accident (right)

From left: me, Angeline, Karen and Cherlyn

2nd: My bowling/ badminton kakki's from the materials engineering dept, with the exception of Linus and Oliver (IT).
They located this quaint restaurant that I can't remember the name except its along the stretch of Macpherson Road.

It is definitely worth the price you pay for their set lunch, with is around $10, comes with soup, a drink, fruit salad and ice-cream :)

Clam Chowder

Minestrone Soup

Dessert!

Christian and Teo

Grilled chicken of perfection

The owner was so nice to accede to our persistent camera requests, haha plus points there!

3rd: IT helpdesk and IT business dept. Funniest ones of the lot.

Here we are at a much loved and hidden eating place nicknamed Penguin. It has the best Chai-Peng around the Kallang vicinity and trust me when I say it is a killer to queue during peak lunch hour. Alternatively, you can choose to sit in the air-con area where they serve you their specials of the week or Japanese cuisine (slightly overpriced) .

Two gentlemen are Umesh and Jhon, while ladies are Joey, Katherine and Maricar (from left)

Pardon the auntie slippers...it was lunch time! comfort mattered more!

Maricar and I looked like we were trying to break into the truck lol

"Dear HR, I would like to report a case of employee abuse..."

4th was with passionate Italian engineer Giovanni and our own HR intern, Murali. They brought me out for a lovely Thai dinner @ Chinatown area and headed to Partyworld for some hardcore karaoke, where this display their impressive singing chops.

Handsome intern bo!

Of course, i do love a good video when my kakki are singing in action:

5th and last was my HR department, which was really nice of all my colleagues to take time out to lunch with me. Quite a big group of 20 of us, and since the special promo for Suanthai was a ala carte option of dishes (ard $5 each), we decided to order as many kinds as possible.

The waiters were more than willing to pose for me lol.

Ah boss Siew Peng and I :)

She is always so sporting to go along with my wackiness.
This kind of nice boss, where to find?????

On my right....

On my left...

After the culinary delights and what nots, it was really time to say good bye. I took a last lingering look while doing my exit clearance...

IT Department

Deborah and Udaya (who btw, owns his own Indian restaurant)

Katherine, Jacky and their nice manager, Ingrid

from left: Serene, Aunty Grace, me and Cristabel

Our security guy, Arif

Abang Johari, our MD's personal chauffeur

Treasury girls: from left, their friend, Vivienne, me and Li Chiang
They brought me out for lunch too, but i lost the pics!! :(((

Agnes and Moi!

Hot mommy who just gave birth but still looks smashing!

Jasmine (HR) and me biting on a random trophy

Eliza (HR) and I

Mr Bobby (HR Manager) and me doing his trademark pose

(Doreen (HR) and I

The cleaning aunties who usually manage our office

Lastly, my employee badge. Worse for the wear but it had became a part of me unknowing.
I will miss Infineon dearly.

Goodbye, and it was my pleasure serving you.