It is tiring to always volley back and forth what could be and what already is in front of you. So after a heavy session of brawling my eyes out, I finally came to the decision of just letting him go and keeping the happy memories instead. Am too exhausted from being under all the mirco-analysis all the time, being on edge when all I want to do is kiss you senseless, and smile again like we used to in the beginning.

Yet somehow along the yellow brick road, the journey became less joyous, and from it I ceased to be less amazing and beautiful in your hazel eyes.

All I did was just tried to love you as much as I could during what little time we have left.

But I guess to really love some one…. is to simply let him go.

I want to get it right the next time.

all herald to yet another emo post of june's fast decimating love life. Come on' give this old girl a break cos she has no one else to rant to except herself.

as of late, and to no surprise....it gets colder and colder when we meet. Why I continue to persist in my romantic- masochist endeavors, is simply because he's gonna leave in less than a week. There seems to be less affection left and just simply a physical attraction which leaves a bittersweet aftertaste in my mouth. Fact still resonates in my mind that this was built on the reality that it was not meant to last, but I wish I didn't feel like its so strenuous to be with me.

Fucking smart guy he is, but a severe lack in the EQ department... and it kinda stings whenever I think how sweet and earnest he was before. Maybe thats how guys work, maybe thats how he just simply is. I wonder what has changed.
ARGH. if i pull out ant more hair Im gonna be as bald as newly initiated NS boy.

I want to promise myself, this will be the last of rushing into emotions and relationships. I will take it slow and enjoy my impending happiness with the next guy who will be worthy of my love.

fighting on with a tentative smile on my face, june. :)

Im writing this at 1.4o am cos this has been weighing down in my heart for sometime because confronting him straight up is useless cos he'd probably tell me its not cool to keep seeing each other all the time and maybe cramping his style.
But hello, I thought that was kinda the point if you really liked someone and am romantically involved. Maybe because its me? Or maybe its just you?

Routine = Guy likes you > Guy chases you > sweet nothings + romantic gestures > you finally let him in> life + mental health is kaput > Guy becomes nothing like he was before.

IM TELLING YOU, this is tried and proven guy modus operandi.

Amazing how feelings change in a span of a few weeks, especially since its a mere 1 more week to go before departure. I am accepting to the ending but to give brusque replies when you try to make simple conversation is starting to test my patience. Im really hurt, to be honest. Knowing well this had near negligible chance of working out, I would have liked us to at least enjoy the last week together. He can argue all he wants but I know its not just being busy with tying up loose ends; if its really time to say goodbye then he should just tell it in my face.

Im gonna laugh whenever I think about the time YOU said we would still be great friends no matter what happens.

I give up la. Be what you want, fade away if you need to. I tried, I really did.

I need to start living life for myself.
And i promise to me, i'm going to forget the heartbreaks...only the happiest memories together.

Perfect breakup song I found random surfing on Youtube, Sara always gets it just right. Just check out the scarily accurate lyrics and the wicked dance choreography in her MV:

Goodbye
Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by,
Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue,
Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone,
A wrong one

And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me
Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,
Hang from your hands

Well, no more,
I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door
If I make it at the thought of you, what for?
It's not me anymore

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be,
I dare you darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you but just for me,
And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

I stand corrected,
I know too well
And now it's much too late for you for me as far as I can tell,
Oh I say, oh yeah, yeah, yeah

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

There is no hero in her sky, The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice

This song was sung to me by that someone sometime back, and was it a culmination of feelings or just the right time at right moment, that I actually felt tears roll down my cheeks. Such a bitter sweet tune coupled with his lovely voice and strumming of melodious guitar chords.

I dunno what came over me but I decided to just come clean and ask new paramour what is the status of things. He is a almagation of mixed signals, one moment giving me the impression that he wants us to be serious and seems to go in a jealousy mood when the ex calls; yet he can be so aloof and tempermental at times. I sensed a slow change in attitude towards me as compared to the first time we met... very much like his predecessors.

Taking a stab in the dark and riding on dutch courage, I just went straight up to ask him if he'd look towards us carrying on our current state into the future. When he replied with a "more like friends, but not as this", I kinda knew it was coming but it still stung. Whether he just assumed it was more friends with benefits rather than an actual budding romance I guess I'll never know. And I dun think I want to bother either.

Oh well, at least now I know for sure so I'll avoid laboring under false pretences.

To all the men I loved: " FUCK YOU GUYS AND YOUR ROMANTIC BULLSHIT TO TIMBAKTU".


I think I shall go shopping again tomorrow. this calls for extended retail therapy session.

and am back with the continuation of the unfolding drama that is my love life.

Stuck in limbo and wondering what my next step should be. After breakup, moving on seems to be the next logical step, but what happens when that happiness you found is short-lived? Mine will expire around 16 October when he leaves for Liverpool to pursue his studies. You may jeer how come I got over a 5.5 year relationship so fast but it is the culmination of many things left to fester and eat into a once passionate relationship.

My new paramour is someone that I never expected and sheepish to say also, that I had rejected him once before as well. first impressions can be wrong as they say,no? I feel fucked cos just when I think my life is gonna be awesome once more, it is but just another whisper. Inevitably, Im already emotionally attached to him and it kills me to think about his departure.

My post here ends with a question mark as I look doubtingly towards the days to come. Indeed, cherish what you have when you have it.